Just decided to come out here for a quick minute and say hello to everyone. Some real quick things about what's going on with me. I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy who I adore sooooo much! He is the cutest and I love him so much.

Robert and I are no longer together but you guys saw that coming. I told you many times that when my baby turned 6 months I was dumping him. I couldn't wait the six months, so we broke up in early December. At the end of December I found out that he's married. Yes people he was married that whole time. He lied to me and my family about being divorced. He was just seperated. The minute we broke up he went back to her. I guess he's one of those people that can't be by themselves. When I was pregnant I would tell him as long as he supported his son I wouldn't take him for child support. Well my son is 6 months and he has only given me $85.00 in his whole life so of course I filed for support but I have no idea how long it takes.

My family and friends have been very supportive threw this whole thing. I don't even think about Robert unless he calls and I have to answer so he can speak to his son, or if someone else brings his name up. My son RJ has spend about two weekends with his dad. It's like I think Robert wants to be a good father but he's letting this woman control him....I don't know so let me stop making excuses. A real man wouldn't let anything or anyone keep them away from their child.What I do know is that he's not providing for our son and that pisses me off. I must get off that subject now it just upsets me.

I am dating someone. Don't really want to speak on it right now but he's cool. I think that's about all I have to tell you guys right now. That's it! I just love being a mom.

I have to blog about the past week. It has been very nice. The thing that is on the top of my mind was my surprise Baby Shower they threw for me at work. I had originally said I didn't want one at my job. But the more I thought about it I was like if I had a little one it would be nice. If just the people I work with downstairs were to attend it would still be nice. Toni found out that I asked another co-worker/friend if I was having one and Toni said she didn't know I wanted one. She said she can make it happen and would throw me one on Oct.7th. I got a little excited but what I didn't know was Toni along with Felice, Crystal, Tina, and Franny had already been planning me one for almost a month! Let me tell you.....it was the nicest shower I had ever been to here at my job. Not just because it was for me but because I could tell they put a lot of thought, time, money, and love into it. I was really overwhelmed when I stepped into the conference room for what I thought was a mandatory meeting and to see all those people there. I was confused for a minute trying to figure out what was going on. It was decorated nicely, a big pretty stork balloon, a huge sheet cake, catered food. I was beside my self. I just burst out into tears. I can't even blame it on the pregnancy.

Normally when other departments have things here at the medical center people ask for money to donate and put towards the food and one gift. Not my girls. They saved their money and paid for everything, even got together and got me this expensive stroller. I know it cost a pretty penny because I picked it out and added it to my registry. That left things open for other people to just bring me gifts, and boy did I get a lot of stuff and $100.00 in cash! People kept coming and going. The next day I was taking a list of who was there because I want to send out thank you's and I didn't realize it was so many. All I can say is that I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. When I got home that night I was sure to get on my knees and say a prayer of thanks. It may not seem like such a big deal to some but that day which happened to be Sept. 11th was one of the best for me. I was so happy and I can't wait for my son to be born and meet all these wonderful people that are apart of my life and will soon be a part of his.

Okay so after Robert came down last Saturday he ended up staying until Wednesday. I was off work Tuesday and Wednesday to care for my Grandmother while her caretaker was off. Robert went with me on those two days since he was off work due to a injury. Anyway we were cool. Tension was gone. He continued to apologize whenever I had that far away look in my eyes. The problem was your girl was horny. We were in my parents living room watching T.V. and I just kept thinking about sex. Even though he gets on my nerves I find him extremely sexy. Nice body, huge dick and killer tongue skillz. I needed to wash clothes and asked him to bring my laundry down the basement for me . He carried the bag downstairs and once we got in the laundry room I locked the door and started taking off my clothes, then I started to undress him. I placed a towel on my Dad's work bench  and sat him on it. I gave him a little head job and once it was nice and hard like I wanted it I climbed on top of him. OMG!!!!! It was so damn good. We both were making noises and I was hoping my poor grandma's TV was up loud enough that she couldn't hear us . Every now and then I had to push the thought of him with someone else out of my head and I know I should have made him wear a condom even though he said he didn't sleep with anyone else but all that was out the window. I just wanted it. It had been over a week and I was in need. He's been sleeping next to me for the last few days with his hard dick pressed against my ass and I just couldn't take it anymore. After it was done he wanted to talk about it and kiss me and stuff, but I wasn't feeling it just yet. I got dressed and started washing my clothes. I felt proud of myself because I really put it down in a way I haven't in a long time.

Before Robert went back home he put some patio furniture together for my mom and went to a baseball game  with my Dad. He also gave Beavis  a bath. He currently calls me almost every hour of the day and tells me where he is about to go. Calls me before going to bed at night from the house phone and when he wakes up in the morning from his home phone. He's trying to win my trust. Now is cell phone is always on. I really think the fling with the girl has ended. That feeling of him having someone else has finally left me after being there for months.

Fast forward to Thursday. Renzo wanted to see me that day but Toni and I show came on, Swingtown and I wanted her to come over if she was free. She came over my apartment and brought a bomb chief salad she made. I had pizza from the store and we just kind of sat back, talked, ate, and watched our show. I even showed her some of the baby clothes I had gotten, she gets so excited over baby stuff that I find it funny. After she left around 11pm I called Renzo back as promised. He asked if he could spend the night and I said sure. Now he has stayed over a few times before in the past and nothing has happened. This time was a little different. He held me like before, caressed me. But he kept trying to go down my panties. After having sex with Robert I have not had sex with anyone else and I wasn't feeling having any other man's penis poking around my baby's head.  I know it won't be poking around his head but that's how I picture it. Not to mention I wasn't in need anymore. I just had the bomb sex with Robert two day prior. Renzo finally went to sleep and tried again in the morning but I wasn't going to let that happen. He called me at work the next morning to apologize but there wasn't really a reason. I was kinda flattered he found this fat belly so appealing. That pretty much raps up everything.

***Baby Update****

I'm six months now. I have a hard time sleeping because I can't get comfortable. I'm so used to sleeping on my stomach and I can't really sleep on my side to well. Baby moves a lot these days. Last Saturday night was the first time Robert was able to feel him on the outside. I think the baby was just mad at him and kicked him for being stupid. I don't want to go anywhere because everything I put on makes me look fat and pregnant.

Okay by far this weekend was really bad for me. I don't really feel like talking about it but I'm gonna. Let's start off with my boyfriend having another woman who claimed to be his girlfriend fighting him in the middle of the street in front of his house.

Okay Robert and I was suppose to spend the weekend together. Like I've been telling you guys I've been feeling closer to him lately and I was looking forward to it. I go to pick him up and he's not home. I'm mad because I told him I was 45 minutes away so he should have been there. I wait a few minutes and he comes home. He rushes me to pull off and then some girl cuts me off with her car and he's telling me to back up cause it's his ex-wife and she has a gun. Instead I put the car in park because I am not doing no car chase in the middle of B-more. Two girls jump out the car and I'm very calm but they bypass me and go to the passenger side. He jumps out and the girl starts yelling at him and then she starts swinging at him. I'm chilling just kinda watching the whole thing take place. Then the friend moves the car out the middle of the street and I pull my car over and park. I slowing get out and walk over to the three of them and asked "what the fuck is going on?". I was ready to throw down if I had to, pregnant or not I don't run from no damn body. Both girls run over to me, looking very young I might add. Supposedly this girl is his girlfriend and he was with her for the most of the day. While she talking to me I can barely understand her because she was so hysterical. Robert dumb ass by my car talking about, "Tiffany you ready to go, am I going with you?". I tell him no because he just told me the chick was his ex-wife and here she was thinking I was the ex-wife. I tell him to get his bag out the trunk and I was going back home. The whole ride back to DC I wasn't even sad or anything. Remember I thought his ass was doing dirt but just couldn't prove it.  I was rather quite calm considering I'm carrying his child. I wasn't crying or shaking or I didn't have those flutters in my stomach. He kept calling me and calling me begging me to turn around and come back. I went home and went to sleep instead. The next day I was able to talk about it a little. I told a couple of friends. The ones I knew who could relate and wouldn't throw it in my face later. I admitted to them that I was upset and there was a big chance that I may take him back because for some strange reason I didn't really care. I don't know if I didn't care is the right word to use but I wasn't really tripping. I know I'm dating a compulsive lair. I felt this coming. I knew he was doing dirt and I knew I would find out about it. I really know I had God in my corner then because I was so calm threw the whole ordeal. But like I said I knew I would take him back and normally I never forgive a cheater. That's why I stayed single so much. As soon as dude fuck up...I'm out.

The next day I knew some of my co-workers and a few of my friends were going to be at Safeway Battle of the BBQ. I needed some fresh air and since my plans made a complete U-Turn I decided to check it out. Robert was calling me the whole day and I may have answered the phone once. Problem was I still wanted to see him, I don't know why but I had to let him know how wrong he was. I told him time and time again that if he wanted to see other people let me know. I was cool with it because I told him I didn't love him anyway. I had a nice time at the BBQ on Saturday. I was happy for the outdoors even though it was hot as shit.

When I got home I showered and laid down. I talked to Kandi a lot and was happy to hear her say what a few other of my friends said, if you take him back it's nothing wrong with it. We all go threw this. That's way I didn't really want to tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to judge me or look at me like I was stupid when I was with him again. Jada telling me it was okay to cry, but at the time I didn't want to cry still don't. I was really fine but I wanted him to console me. What sense does that make? I wanted the one that hurt me to console me. I wanted him to beg to come see me on Saturday. The sadness was just starting to hit me. I knew the next time he called and said he was coming down I would allow him to. He called around 8pm and said he needed to see me. I told him whatever. I picked him up from train station by my house and told him before we pulled off, "This by no means means I forgive you and we are currently broke up. You fucked up and you remember that while your here, and don't touch me. After I pull off I don't want to talk about what happened unless I bring it up. Your just here for my emotional support so I won't be alone. Our shit is on pause right now". I pulled off and we went to my apartment. He wanted to know if my parents knew and I told him no and I don't plan on telling them. He was very thankful for that. They think so highly of him and I didn't want to be the one to burst their bubble.

I don't remember much else but we were being cordial to each other. He was walking on egg shells but I was feeling pretty good. I forgot everything that happened the night before. He asked if he had to sleep on the couch I told him no he could sleep in the bed but just don't touch me. Before going to sleep he apologized for putting me threw that. Explained to me that he was "kinda seeing" the girl. They use to work together but she got upset because he broke things off with her. He swears that he has never slept with her (which I don't believe). Told me how much he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I just said okay and went to bed. I did appreciate the apology because I did need to hear it. Not saying I believe what he told me but it's easier to just accept it and move on.

The next day I ended up having a anxiety attack. I think just too much was going on at once. I had my problems, all of my friends had problems and everything was coming at me at one time. My phone kept ringing and he answered it once in the middle of my attach and told whoever it was that I would have to call them back and then he turned my ringers off. I just flipped out because I couldn't find Beavis leash. I couldn't breath and Robert had to put me in the shower while I still had clothes on to calm me down. He wanted to take me to the hospital but I refused. I wanted my meds so bad but I took one the day before without anyone knowing and I didn't wanna risk taking another one. After my cold shower with my hair looking a complete mess He, I and the dog went for a walk. I had on sweat pants, a dress shirt, and flip flops. I looked like a phsyc patient and didn't even care. Then we went to the playground and he rode the sea-saw with me. I was out of it. When I got home and was feeling a little better I realized my mom had called along with a few other people. I called my mom back and she was on her way over. She was the one who called when Robert picked up the phone and she thought he did something to me and was on her way over....LOL. I love that woman. I assured her all was fine and that I was just in the shower and he didn't know it was her, which he didn't. He took care of me for the rest of the evening and I woke up this morning feeling a lot better and made it to work.

I don't know what's to come of us. My friends gave me good advice. Don't tell a lot of people because they will just throw it in my face later. I've said that to them in the past also. Only about 4 of my friends have access to my blog so that's all that will know this ever took place. Strangely I feel this has brought us closer. I can't explain it. I catch him cheating on me and I feel fine. We talked about it. We're still not a couple, even though he says he's not letting me go, and we have not had sex. I'm not ready for that yet. I did tell him I don't believe he didn't sleep with that girl so for the sake of myself and our unborn child if we do have sex again he will have to wear a condom and I want him to get tested. His grandmother called me last night to check on me. I thought that was nice. She knows what went down between me, him and the other girl. She was there. I'm just glad it's over. What a fucken weekend!

Hi people! What's going on with me? Nothing new. Just still in the process of doing self reflection. We were just talking at work about money management and I need to do better. I have to really become more responsible. I need to start paying my bills on time. I've been paying on the same two credit cards for almost 3 years now and I have not used them in 2 years.

Surprisingly I'm liking Robert a little more each week. That's a good thing being I'm stuck with him in my life for the next 19-21 years. He's getting much better and is really trying to make my life a little easier. I stopped being so hard on him also. If we'er gonna work I have to stop trying to change him into someone he is not. I like having him around now. When he's off work and stays a few days with me he's very attentive. He rubs my stomach, massages my feet when I get home from work, cleans my apartment, walks and feed my dog, cook my meals, and will even run my bath water. I still don't love him but I'm liking him a lot better.

Hormones have kinda been all over the place I guess. Most days I'm in a good mood others I'm down for no reason. Sometimes I even resent my friends. I feel left out. It's not even nothing that they do to make me feel that way. They still call, wanna hang but it's just me. I tell them my hanging out late nights is over but then get in my feelings about them not inviting me to hang all hours of the night. I'm so weird. I'm sure other pregnant people go threw this. My friends may have even went threw this. I was trying to think where was I when Kris was pregnant or Neka, Kandi, or India. I was probably less attentive because I can be so selfish and don't really be realizing it. I want them to continue to have a good time and no I don't really want to go to any parties or anywhere that's going to keep me out past mid-night...who am I kidding, past 10pm is more like it. It just can be a little sad because I miss hanging with them. That's why I'm going to start suggesting things to do that's not at night. Like beaches, movies, or just little get-togethers. I can't sit and whine about stuff. I have to take action. I don't want to become a complete home body.

*Baby update* Some of you may be pleased to know that as of yesterday I started talking to the baby. I felt like a complete idiot and Beavis looked at me like I lost my damn mind but I'm doing it anyway. I look forward to feeling him move everyday so I know everything is okay. He's getting a little pattern. He wakes up before I do in the morning. I think he goes back to sleep around 8am and wakes back up around 9:30 and stays up til about 12 noon. That's all I remember.

My weekend was pretty nice. Things didn't go as I have planned but they still turned out okay. Robert just spent the last few days with me. It was such a big help to have him over. After the 3rd day he started getting on my nerves as usual and I was ready for him to go home.

Renzo....Just after I wrote that last entry about him he dissapointed me. I got on the wrong train and had to call him to pick me up. When he got me from the metro it was some picture of a girl on his visor. I took it down to look at it. She was kinda cute. I asked who she was and he told me some chick he's seeing, he also mentioned he was at her place when I called (why he had to mention that?). I asked him how he got to me so fast then. He said she lived in his building. I was so jealous. I wanted to throw that picture out the window. He was my little fantasy man. Now...he's tarnished. I don't even want to call him anymore because I would hate for him to tell me, "I'm busy right now, let me call you later" and me hear her in the back-ground. Oh the pain.   

I'm in a much better place then I was the last time I wrote here. Some things I had to get use to and learn how to deal with. I've done that now and I'm cool with everything. I no longer feel....left out...no longer wanted...or needed. Some things just takes getting used too. I'm not always up for change. Like I said I'm happy now. I have a great family and great friends. I know I have said that a lot but some times you have to remind yourself of your many blessings.

What I need more then anything is a freakin vacation! OMG how I would love to get away if only for a weekend. Somewhere that has a pool and a lot of food. Somewhere that I can just be lazy!

I do believe a change in my circle of friends is about to take place. Some good and some bad. I'm preparing myself for it now. You know how you can tell something bad is about to happen. Well that's the feeling that I'm getting. It's not an eerie feeling because it's not going to affect me personally. I don't think it's going to even bother me that much. I'm not sure what friends this is about to happen to but a shift is coming. Don't I sound like a crazy person....LOL. Too much reading on Edgar Cayce got me tapping into my sixth sense. Oh well. gotta go.

Me again. I just feel like talking some more . The biggest issue I have is that all my favorite TV Shows are gone off the air. WTF!!!!  What am I gonna do with my life now? I mean no CSI, Desperate Housewives, Medium, House, or Without a Trace. Man this sucks donkey balls!

Even though I'm 5 months pregnant, not really showing a lot. I still talk to other people. Well I was talking to this guy for a minute. His name is Dion but I think he just was a freak. He was also a older man. It was fun while it lasted but since I wasn't giving up the goods I guess he figured I was a waste of his time. Surprisingly the man I'm closest too right now is Renzo. He is such a sweetheart. He's truely my friend. We talk often. I still got strong feelings for him and would like to think that one day in the future after my baby is born and maybe at least a year old he and I would hook up . I tell him these things and he's like cool but I know he doesn't take me serious. He already thinks I'm crazy as it is.

I care about Robert but I don't love him and I don't think I ever will. He is such a good man but just not the man for me.

I really need a vacation. I'm thinking about saving me some money and taking one by my self. Just a weekend or something. I just need to get away and meditate. Clear my head.